The Relationship Artist: How Does Sex Affect A Relationship?

For some of us a relationship without sex is nothing more than a friendship. But there are many long-term and very successful relationships that do not include sex. So the question becomes whether sex is a necessary component at all or if it is simply a fulfillment of lust.

To begin this discussion I would like to explain that many relationships are started out of a physical attraction for one another. Some people would say that this phase is a period of lust. In essence, the partners may find that they not only enjoy each other's company but also that they have a desire to have sex.

During such a stage in the relationship it is likely that the couple will have frequent sex and that it will be both fun and exciting. This stage usually lasts for a few months.

Then the couple is likely to move into the second stage of a sexual relationship which is designed around romantic love. For many couples this stage will last from about six months to two years. During the time although some of the lust may taper off the sex remains frequent and very enjoyable.

For many people this phase is optimal because the love relationship seems to deepen and a real connection between the partners becomes apparent. The bonds strengthen and the relationship acquires a comforting element which lends itself to longevity.

As time goes on the couple is likely to experience the next stage in their sexual relationship. During this period a mature love develops. The sex may diminish a little or a lot and some of the excitement may be missing.

It is during this period that problems often develop. As the break down in the sexual relationship happens there may also be problems with the communication in the relationship. The lack of communication coupled with the decline in sex can result in trust issues.

Some couples progress to the point that their relationship is built on dynamics more commonly associated with roommates or brothers and sisters than that of a couple. Although relationships go through various phases it is important to maintain the appropriate dynamics if the relationship is to continue to blossom.

Over a period of time sex can decline to the point that the couples feel uncomfortable with the topic. One is afraid to approach the other so sex becomes a missing component in the relationship. Even if the desire for sex is there it may seem to be completely out of reach.

Couples in that situation probably need to start slowly. Jumping into bed to have sex may not sound appealing. I suggest that the couple work on less threatening ways of building that intimacy level back up first. To begin I suggest that the couple spend time cuddling. I know, that sounds trivial but it really is important.

Simple steps like including a few hugs throughout the day can make a difference. Then progress to holding each other and gazing into the eyes of your partner. Soon you should spend time holding one another in bed. If you do not start this way then progress to holding each other while you are naked. By taking things a step at a time you are likely to freshen some of those feelings and desires that were once so natural and compelling.

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The Relationship Artist: Are You A Commitment Phobe?

Your relationships are short-lived. Maybe you've been hurt in the past and are waiting for the perfect relationship. You think you're just being picky, but are starting to wonder if you might be commitment phobic. Everyone gets scared at the beginning of a new relationship, but you can learn whether your fears are justified or simply an excuse to keep from getting too close.

* Ask yourself some tough questions. Do you start hyper-analyzing a person's character traits before getting to know them? Are you unrealistic about your expectations? Have you passed up potential partners because you're waiting for the "perfect" mate? Answering these questions will help you realize whether your expectations are too high, thus setting you up to fail in relationships.

* Evaluate your past relationships. First decide if past relationships might be causing your trepidation. Were you hurt and now you're scared? Or do you feel as if you settled in the past and are now unwilling to accept less than your ideal partner? Take a deep look at these relationships and decide if they are affecting your current behavior.

* Decide what is important to you now. Regardless of past mistakes, what values, characteristics and personality traits do you need from a potential partner? Agree to have strong preferences, but allow room for someone who may not be perfect, but has a lot of the traits you desire.

* Forgive yourself. Once you realize that you might be sabotaging relationships because of a fear of commitment, forgive yourself and take positive steps to open yourself up to relationships. Once you forgive yourself you are more able to forgive others for their shortcomings.

* Realize that no one is perfect. Mr. or Ms. good enough may be the one you've been waiting for. Commitment phobia, waiting for an impossible dream, could be holding you back. Take the time to get to know someone you might not previously have thought held potential. He or she could be your dream mate.

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The Relationship Artist: Genetic Commitment Phobia

A man's reluctance to marry may be down to a genetic 'flaw', say researchers.

Men who inherit a genetic variant that affects an important attachment hormone are prone to marital strife and are less likely to wed, work suggests.

Animal studies have shown the same hormone - vasopressin - affects voles' abilities to remain monogamous.

The research by the Swedish team from the Karolinska Institute is published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science.

Bonding gene

The researchers examined the DNA of 552 sets of twins, all of whom were in a long-term relationship and had children. Some were living with their partner and others were married.

The men and women were asked a series of questions about their relationship and the answers were then compared to their genetic make-up.

This is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with how men bond to their partners Lead researcher Hasse Walum

Men with the 334 version of the AVPR1A gene earned lower scores from their partner/wife for strength of relationship bond. They were also less likely to be married.

If they were married, they were more likely to have experienced marital problems.

Having two copies of 334 doubled the chances that men would report having had a marital crisis in the past year.

It is thought that the gene, which was carried by 40% of the men, may affect the way the brain uses vasopressin.

The same gene has been linked with autism - a condition characterised by problems with social interaction.

Evolutionary benefit

Lead researcher Hasse Walum said: "This is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with how men bond to their partners.

"Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn't carry this allele."

However, he stressed the gene was only a small part of the process - there are many different ingredients to a happy marriage.

"There are, of course, many reasons why a person might have relationship problems," he said.

Dr George Fieldman, principal lecturer in psychology at Buckingham New University, said there could be evolutionary benefits to possessing the 334 variant.

"There is potentially an advantage if the objective is to survive and spread your genes.

"But there are advantages of being monogamous and having the support of a family. It's never a one way street. Like many things in nature there is a trade off and genes tend to favour their own transmission."

Paula Hall, a counsellor for Relate, said: "Whilst this gene might create a predisposition, we are not slaves to our genes. The bond comes from the individuals in the relationship and the quality of their relationship."

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The Relationship Artist: How To Heal A Broken Heart

Breaking up is never fun. The end of a relationship means the beginning of a period of mourning and healing for both people. If the break up was mutual both people will experience a period of adjustment where they are getting used to no longer being together. If the break up was not mutual the person who ended things may be dealing with guilt and feelings that they may have made a mistake. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. How do you get through those first few weeks? Here I list eight essential things everybody must do in the early days of a break up to let the healing begin.

1) Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you do to or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks the best thing you can do for yourself is not be where you know they will be.

2) Talk out your feelings with close friends. Get everything out so that you won’t hold it inside. Your friends may get sick of hearing you talk about the situation but you need to let out all your feelings and thoughts or they may come back to bite you later.

3) Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex. You don’t want your tears to be used as a guilt trip. Their purpose is to cleanse you of any pain not make your lover come back.

4) Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship. Hide them out of sight so they will be out of mind until you are able to remember the relationship without longing for it to still be going strong.

5) Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS. This will only set you back and let’s face it, if things ended the relationship wasn’t perfect to begin with so why would you want to rekindle things?

6) Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss.

7) Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory. Remind yourself that somebody who truly cared for you would not have done such thoughtless things and tell yourself (over and over) that you are better off without that kind of ego crushing behavior in your life.

8- Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t pass notes through friends. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way.

Mending a broken heart is not easy but it can be done. Just stick to the game plan outlined above and before you know it you’ll be just fine. Good luck!

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The Relationship Artist: Online Love Success!

Feel like your waiting forever to meet someone special online?

In today's world, you can find everything online: you can order your groceries, a pair of shoes and a job all from the World Wide Web. So it would make perfect sense that you can also find a mate in the very same fashion!

Some are a little skittish about online dating though it has become so popular that people of all ages and walks of life are now doing online dating. It is not "just" for the young or for people who love computers. Often as we get older, our social circles close in on us: online dating is an excellent way to widen it out a bit and meet some people with similar interests and preferences.

Just be yourself. Mom was totally right when she said this and we'll tell you why: when you put on an act to be someone else the person you are with forms an entirely different picture about who you are. This means that if they are attracted to you, then they are actually attracted to someone else. You want them to like you for you! So show your date exactly who you are: chances are they'll like what they see.

Put your best foot forward. There is a difference between showing someone who you are and scratching where it itches in public! Take this opportunity to show your date your sunny side and your best features. If you have a great sense of humor have a couple of jokes planned. If you are known for something else your strong listening skills or charm: then share this with your date.

They have sweaty palms too! We'll let you in on a little secret: everyone is nervous on a date. This is true whether or not you see them acting nervous or not. Some people just hide this better. So have some compassion if your date is laughing a little too hard or fidgeting in their seat. They're just having a case of first date jitters like you are too. There is a benefit to remembering this tip you tend to calm down a bit yourself.

Everyone has baggage: leave yours outside for now. We all have something that we pull around with us. It may be a divorce, credit card debt or a college degree we are still completing. Everyone has something they consider their "baggage." Sometimes it is a big deal and other times it really isn't. Most of the time what matters is how much of a positive attitude you have about the situation and how much effort you are using to change or act in the circumstance.

You usually can't change the fact that you have been divorced (unless you re-marry the person) though you can refrain from making negative comments about them or telling endless stories about why your marriage was a failure.

Be clear about what you are looking for. The "dating game" can be a real challenge. Part of this is because it truly isn't an even playing field. You may be looking for a serious relationship and others are just looking for companionship or a little fun. Be clear and upfront about what you want from the start without getting into what hair color you hope your kids are going to have.

Use a light touch when telling someone what you are looking for and put yourself in their shoes. If you are not looking for a serious relationship, then you'd probably want to know this ahead of time also. Remember that although someone may say one thing they also can change their mind as a relationship progresses.

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The Relationship Artist: Promises Guys MUST Keep!

[caption id="attachment_94" align="alignnone" width="98" caption="Keep Your Promises!"][/caption]

When you tell her you'll do something, she assumes you mean it. And slacking won't just piss her off, it may make her doubt your word in the future. So do both of you a big favor and follow through on the phrases below.

"I'll call you right back."
We know how it is: You're talking to your girlfriend when you get hungry. You tell her you're going to make a sandwich but reassure her that you'll phone once you're done eating.

Flash forward two hours: The sandwich is long gone, and you're engaged in a bloodbath on your PS2. Meanwhile, she's wondering where the hell you are. "When you tell her you'll call right back, assume she's thinking it'll be about five minutes," says psychotherapist Robert Mark Alter, author of It's (Mostly) His Fault. If you know it'll be two hours, say, "I have to deal with a few things; can I call you later?"

"I'll take care of it."
You're a busy guy, and you may have more important stuff to do than fix a leaky faucet in your beloved's bathroom. But when she asks for help and you agree, she's counting on you to get the job done. "Women these days are independent and don't like having to ask for anything," says Bobbie Reid, author of Clueless. "When you don't take care of it, she has to keep bugging you, which makes her feel like a nag."

So the next time she makes a request that you can't get to right away, Reid suggests telling her that you'll totally be able to take a look at it, but not until a specific day the next week. That way, she won't keep asking, and you won't be the ass who never did what he said.

"We should go there."
Making plans tends to be more of a woman's forte, which is why it means so much when you come up with a cool date idea of your own. That's also why it can be a major letdown when you don't follow through. "By suggesting it, she assumes you're now going to make all the arrangements, and that makes her feel special," says Alter. So the next time you mention trying that new Moroccan restaurant, make a reservation or tack on the addendum "...just remind me."

"I'll be there at seven."
Okay, admittedly women aren't always ready when they say they'll be. Still, there's an expectation that if you tell a girl you'll be showing up at a certain time, you'll be there. "Being late is inconsiderate and makes her feel like you don't care about seeing her," says Reid. So if you're going to be tardy for a legit reason (like your boss has you chained to your desk), call! She's a lot less likely to bitch if you give her a heads-up.

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The Relationship Artist: Don't Be A Chrome Woman

Don't be a chrome woman? What on Earth am I talking about now?

I want to talk about a friend of mine. Let's call her Julie......even though her name is Lee. (sorry...couldn't help it!) There is one thing I always noticed about her. No matter who she was in a relationship with, Julie never quite seemed to be herself. She tried way too hard to keep her man happy. Now, that in itself is not really an issue, we all try to impress our present partners even if we go overboard from time to time, waiting on them hand and foot. What I noticed about Julie was that no matter who she was with at the time, she always turned into a carbon copy of them. Any interest the guy had......racing, football, dogs, "Lost", it didn't matter, Julie would make those interests hers. Maybe I need to explain that it's Okay to want to share and be involved with your lover's hobbies and interests. In fact, that's a great thing! Only Julie would forget to bring those parts of herself to the relationship table. That's why I call her "Chrome Woman". Almost as if she is made of chrome, she is only a reflection of whoever she is standing next to at any given time. No good......

I see this alot. And it is never a positive thing for a relationship. We have discussed this before......how being an individual is the strongest gift you can bring to a new relationship. In Julie's case, it is an exceptional shame. She is one of the most beautiful, intelligent, and interesting people I have ever met. For some reason, though, she leaves her soul/self tucked inside where no one can see it. She, above most women I know, can bring a wonderful collection of stories, experiences, and views on life into a relationship and contribute her share of the neccessary energy to make a relationship work. But, for some reason she doesn't. In her mind, she needs to "become" whoever she is with at the time. Julie even goes as far as to dress similar to her man and will talk like him as well, using the same slang, accent, and inflections. She becomes a fanatic over whatever sport, TV show, or favorite food her lover likes, even if she never had a previous interest in them before meeting him. It is like having a "Mini Me" following you around wherever you go and it can drive you crazy. To no one's surprise, Julie's relationships are only half as great as they could be and they don't last as long as they should.

In the Eddie Murphy movie, "Coming To America", the Prince (Murphy) meets his pre-arranged fiance for the first time, on the eve of their wedding. When the Prince asks her, "What is your favorite movie?" she replies, "whatever you like." When asked by the Prince, "What is your favorite food?" she replies again, "whatever you like." And it goes on and on......places, hobbies, dances, music. Always the same reply, "whatever you like". Finally, the Prince tells her to jump on one foot and bark like a dog. She of course complies, and the Prince walks out on his wedding and flies to America in search of a "real woman of substance." Funny movie......I love it. But, unfortunately too close for comfort when it comes to some of my friends. Any man faced with this boring situation would more than likely make like an atom and split.

You have to bring yourself to the relationship.....it's as simple as that. When you get invited to the relationship party, make sure you're the one who shows up. It's only fair. Impersonators are a load of fun at the comedy clubs, but you don't want to marry one. You are made up of so many experiences, moments, and precious soul pieces that it is a special gift to share the essence of who you are with your lover. Don't they deserve the wonderful surprises you have for them? Isn't it beautiful when two souls share their most delicate interests with each other? Are you or someone you know a "Chrome Woman?"

Well, stop it. Your lover deserves better! Don't be frightened to bare all......

1+1= something alot bigger than two.............remember?

.........and Julie Lee......if you will still talk to me after this, let's get some coffee.......I want to know more about you...

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The Relationship Artist: Divorce Sucks!!

Why do we want to do this to our children? This breaks my heart. Why can't we try to find the powerful moments that brought us together in the first place? Divorcing couples were in love enough once to vow everlasting togetherness to each other. Why should our selfishness allow us to throw that away and destroy the foundations of our family? And of course...as we look for what we think will make us happy (without really knowing ourselves), and convincing our egos that the grass MUST be greener, it is the innocents that always pay the price.

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The Relationship Artist: Are You In Love??

I want to talk about the "L" word for a moment. Right, you guessed it........love. No three little words in human history have shaken the foundations of our emotional state as I Love You. Have you heard those three little words lately? When you did, how did it make you feel? Every one of us are in one level or another of love. From head spinning ecstasy to just a care above mowing the grass, love affects us in a way that is profound. What exactly is this powerful force?

I've read all sorts of psychological journals trying to figure it out, but end up more confused than ever. Deep down, it is something that really can't be cubby holed with definitions and psycho babble. Love is the state of oneness with a supposed stranger..... a person who maybe only a few short months earlier was completely unknown to us. Is it possible to be swept into a whirlwind of emotions by someone we have just met? Does "love at first sight" really exist or is it just our own wishful thinking to be cared for unconditionally by another? I believe it does.

I've always believed that love is the energy that drives Heaven. Just as we have oxygen and light and food to live on here on Earth, love is the driving force for our souls to live on. It is the most powerful of all emotions. I think when you feel real love; you have connected with another soul in Heaven. It is the crossing of two paths. The path you share is intertwined with everyone else on Earth, but some you can recognize more than others. Why is it that when you fall in love someone you seem to have instant familiar feelings? You finish each other's sentences, and feel like you have known them your whole life. They complete you as if you were never quite finished until you met them.

Attraction.....yes. Caring for each other......yes.

But what is with the feeling of overwhelming familiarity? It is because you do know them. And you have for a long, long time. The great thing about falling in love is that it is not just a happenstance of luck. It is a reconnection, if you will. The soul in another that you have finally reconnected with that you have been searching for. You cross paths with people everyday. We eat together, work together, and play together. We have many acquaintances and friends........but love is always a surprise. It seems to come out of nowhere. But love is no accident and there is no real surprise.

When you finally touch base with the soul of another, you know it. The search comes to an end, but the real connection begins to unfold. There is everything in the Universe to be happy about. What seems like a one in a billion chance has just come true. I Love You has alot of meanings. When you hear it do you believe it? What does it mean to you? You need to know just how precious and rare reconnecting with the eternal soul of another is. And when it happens, you need not fear it. Make it the most worthwhile activity and nurture it as a delicate plant. Know that you have been given the greatest gift of all and make it your priority number one. A heavenly gift?

Absolutely!

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The Relationship Artist: Secrets To Making A Marriage Last!

When you dream about a happily-ever-after, sitting in a lawyer's
office and dividing your assets isn't usually part of the dream.
Divorce isn't 100 percent preventable, but there are steps you can
take to avoid the nightmare scenario. And if you are already
divorced, don't be discouraged -- just apply what you've learned in
your next relationship.
To increase your chances of retaining an everlasting marriage, follow
these guidelines.

1. Get married after about two years of courtship
Researchers say that if a couple's courtship is average in length --
around two years, four months -- there is less chance of divorce.
Couples who rush to the altar, as well as couples who drag their feet
to the altar, have an increased risk for divorce. "The couples who
are slowest to marry tend to be the quickest to split," according to
Ted Huston, Ph.D.

2. Rethink living together
Living together before marriage is more popular than ever and it
stands to reason that you might want to take someone for a "test
drive" around your living space before you commit to marriage.
However, research doesn't support this. Couples who live together
before marriage have a higher risk of divorce.


3. Wait until you are a little older to marry
Statistics show that if you marry after age 25, your marriage will
have a much better chance.


4. Talk about the big issues before you get married
How many kids do you both want? How will you handle your finances?
It's important to clarify these questions before the honeymoon.
Premarital education or counseling can help with this. Studies show
that those who go through this process have higher levels of marital
satisfaction and more commitment to their spouses.


5. You can argue, just don't let it turn into World War III
Arguing is a natural part of a relationship and in and of itself does
not predict divorce. However, the way you argue does. Researchers
Gottman and Levenson say they can predict divorce by watching how
negative a couple gets with each other, as well as how many
constructive, positive interactions they have during an argument.
Things to avoid when arguing: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and
stonewalling. Learn to tone down heated arguments with humor and a
few kind words.


6. Do stuff together
Yes, you both need to have your own individual interests. However, if
you take this too far you may start to lead separate lives and grow
apart, like if he spends every Saturday golfing and she spends every
Saturday swimming. Learn to reconnect by taking part in a hobby or
activity that you both enjoy. Also important: Take time for intimacy
even when it seems like you don't have a minute to spare. Forms of
intimacy like massage and cuddling are wonderful ways to bring you
closer together.


7. Share the chores
If one person does the majority of the housework while the other
slacks off, that's a recipe for divorce.


8. Be as polite to each other as you are to strangers
Sometimes we treat the people we love most with the least amount of
respect without even realizing it. Ask yourself, "Do I treat friends,
acquaintances, coworkers, and even strangers nicer than I do my
significant other?"
Take time to give each other compliments and remember to say
"please" and "thank you" rather than barking orders or nagging.


9. Have issues? Get help!
Is one of you suffering from depression? Does one of you have
substance abuse issues? Has one of you cheated? If you don't address
these types of issues individually as well as a couple, you
dramatically increase your divorce risk. Take steps to decrease your
divorce risk now by addressing these issues through counseling and
other means!


10. Marry someone who wants to be married
It seems obvious, but it's really not, since so many people ignore
it. If you have to beg, cajole, manipulate, and hurl ultimatums at
someone before they will agree to marry you, common sense says they
probably don't want to be married. If you think something is going to
change when you get that ring on their finger, you're wrong. Don't
set yourself up for failure. Find somebody who wants the same things
you want!

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The Relationship Artist: Dumping Commitment Phobes?r

In real life, some people are not really meant to be together, and sometimes when you've tried everything humanly possible -- and I mean really tried everything including asking for divine intervention -- and failed, it's smart to know when to walk away.

Walking away does not necessarily mean you will be able to stop loving that person because if you really love someone from your heart and soul you will never stop loving that person. Love is so much bigger than all of us because it's the very fabric by which we are made of. And when you love someone what you are basically doing is getting in touch with what you are made of. Trying to stop love is like trying to get out of your own skin -- good luck with that!

Walking away or "getting over" that person means that you stop expecting him or her to give you what he or she in unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to. And sometimes that something is commitment.

But I think a lot of people walk away too soon. This is the sad reality of the "modern" world we live in. We think that relationships come in little neat packages with instructions "Add A Little Sex And Live Happily Ever'. Many people don't realize that relationships need time and work. And with all the advice about "too many fish in the sea", walking away seems the coolest thing to do. It shows that you "don't care" and from where this kind of advice comes from, that is supposed to be a good thing. But many years later -- just like the people who gave you the advice -- you are still trying to "catch fish" in that sea. What does it say about you if you can't catch even one fish in a sea with too many fish?

Many more aren't willing to work as hard to make a relationship work as they work hard in their professions or careers. These same people start pushing premature commitment because of their own internal pressures and are quick to conclude it isn't working and walk away.

And then there are some people who try to work things out but go about it the wrong way -- nagging, begging, blaming, guilt tripping, giving ultimatums, playing break-up on and off again games etc. This very same things you do to try to get a "commitment" are the very things that make a commitment phobe even more weary of committing or run like an escaped death-row convict.

So true, being in love with someone who is afraid of commitment is hard, but commitment phobia is not a "terminal illness".

Men and women do get over their fear of commitment. I did. And you probably have heard or know of many men and women who were written off as commitment phobes by the people they were in a relationship with and two months later they have committed to someone else. And the person who dumped the commitment phobe is left confused, angry, jealous, bitter and feeling terribly inadequate -- like something is so wrong with her/him that someone who could never commit to them, had no problems committing to the next person.

Sometimes what a commitment phobe needs is:

-- someone who doesn't automatically assume that it's all a selfish act but understands and appreciates where the fear and anxieties are coming from (fear of losing one's independence, fear of marriage, fear of intimacy, fear of having kids, fear of financial burdens, fear of sharing a home, fear of offending family members, fear of moving to another state or country etc). Understanding and appreciation can help the two of you come to a compromise you can both live with.

-- someone who is emotionally well enough and emotionally secure enough to give some real tough-love; Many commitment phobes have been through so many relationships and know exactly how the script plays out. Having a game-changer who will not play by the script can sometimes be the "shock therapy" a commitment phobe really needs.

-- someone who is committed to really helping the commitment phobe get to that place where he or she feels "safe" enough to come out of their hiding place. Commitment phobia, like all fear, is really a wall to hide behind. And seeing that there is really nothing to fear is a great relief to a commitment phobe.

So before you walk away, make sure that you've earned your way out -- that is given it everything you got and more. That way you don't look back with regret because you dumped someone you still love and a few months later he or she commits to someone else.

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The Relationship Artist: Creating Love

What makes you happy? How do you want to look? What kind of house or car do you want to own? And what kind of relationship do you want to be in? Visualize yourself in each of these situations and paint the picture of your next moment. Think about these snapshots as much as you can, everyday. I know, our third grade teacher told us to stop 'daydreaming' in class, but what you may not realize is that those dreams shaped much of our future. Daydreams feel good to us.....they are comfortable and fun. But let's turn our escapism into something constructive. Let's turn those fantasies into realities. You don't have to wander off inside your head and neglect your responsibilities, but when you picture yourself, which we do dozens of times a day, think of the "you" you want to be.

Choosing an image of yourself and seeing your life in a different light will begin to change your future. Your body, your world, and your attitudes toward yourself will be how you want them. Tell yourself "I'm beautiful" and visualize how you want to look. Tell yourself "I'm great" and picture yourself as great. Tell yourself "I know that I can do anything' and visualize what you want to do and what you want to be. Your reality will change accordingly. You are in control of which way your life will turn. No one else can do that for you. That's the real beauty of being human. We have the power of creation.

Over time, you will begin to wholeheartedly believe it. You will see the changes in your life, your job, and your social life. You will see changes in the way you speak and feel. You will see someone different in the mirror. You know you can do anything you want and be anything you want to be. You will be the whole and complete individual that's important to a solid relationship. Of course, when you believe it's true, so will everyone else. You will be great and the world will know it. When all the pieces fit together, the beautiful landscape of your life will be there for all to see. Someone else with similar beliefs in themselves will take notice. They will be attracted to your great attitude, positive outlook, and completeness of soul. They will find you a "kindred spirit" and want to be closer. This is how you will create the relationship you need.

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The Relationship Artist: Finding Love On A Subway

CANBERRA (Reuters) - A modern-day love story of a man spotting the
girl of his dreams across a New York subway train and tracking her
down over the Internet has failed to have a fairytale ending with the
relationship over.

For Web designer Patrick Moberg, then 21, from Brooklyn, it was love
at first sight when he spotted a woman on a Manhattan train last
November. But he lost her in the crowd so he set up a website with a
sketch to find her -- www.nygirlofmydreams.com.

Unbelievably in a city of 8 million people, it only took Moberg 48
hours to track down the woman, with his phone ringing non-stop and
email box overflowing as usually cynical New Yorkers took sympathy on
the subway Romeo and joined his hunt.

The mysterious brunette was named as Camille Hayton, from Melbourne,
Australia, who was working as an intern at the magazine BlackBook and
also lived in Brooklyn. One of her friends spotted the sketched
picture on the Web site and recognized her.

But after finding each other, appearing on TV and getting
international press, the couple took their romance out of the public
eye, with Moberg closing down the Web site and with both refusing to
making any more comments -- until now.

Hayton told Australian newspaper The Sunday Telegraph that she dated
Moberg for about two months but it just didn't work out.

"I say we dated for a while but now we're just friends," Hayton, now
23, told the newspaper. "It's really nice that people embraced the
story. It is part of my life now."

Hayton said she is still recognized about three times a week on the
streets of Manhattan as "that girl"' and the question is always the
same: "So what happened?"

"I think the situation was so intense that it bonded us," she said,
adding it "bonded us in a way that you could mistake, I guess, for
being more romantic than it was. I don't know. But I wanted to give
it a go so I didn't wonder what if, what if?"

Hayton told The Sunday Telegraph that she is enjoying single life in
New York, keeping busy with acting classes, working in two vintage
clothing stores and as a waitress.

Last week she had a small role as a waitress in the long-running
daytime soap "As The World Turns" and last year she was an extra in a
"blink and you'd miss it" scene in the hit movie "Sex And The City."

"I just can't believe it happened. It feels like a long time ago,"
said Hayton.

Moberg, however, was still refusing to comment on the relationship.

"We've decided not to do any more press," he wrote in an e-mail to Reuters.

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The Relationship Artist: Dealing With Anxiety

Maintaining a relationship is tough enough let alone having to deal with your anxieties. As a result, here is a list of techniques and suggestions on what to do in managing your fears and anxieties while being in a relationship.

Learn as much as you can in managing anxiety and depression. There are many books and information that will educate you on how to deal with fear and anxiety. Share this information with the person who is struggling. Education is the key in finding the answers your looking for in managing your fears. In addition, be understanding and patient with the person struggling with their fears. Dealing with depression and anxiety can be difficult for the person so do not add more problems than what is already there.

Communication is the key in a relationship. Do not assume anything. When encountering stressful situations, always remember to get all of the facts of the given situation. Gathering the facts can prevent us from relying on exaggerated and fearful assumptions. By focusing on the facts, a person can rely on what is reality and what is not.

Remember take a deep breath and try to find something to do to get your mind off of you anxieties and stresses. A person could take a walk, listen to some music, read the newspaper, watch TV, play on the computer or do an activity that will give them a fresh perspective on things. This will distract you from your current worries.

Challenge your negative thinking with positive statements and realistic thinking. When encountering thoughts that make you feel lonely or depressed, challenge those thoughts by asking yourself questions that will maintain objectivity and common sense. For example, some people may think that if they fail in their current relationships then they will always be alone. This is not true. Even if your alone today does not mean that you will be alone all the time. No one can predict the future with one hundred percent accuracy.

A technique that is very helpful is to have a small notebook of positive statements that make us feel good. Whenever you come across an affirmation that makes you feel good, write it down in a small notebook that you can carry around with you in your pocket. Whenever you feel depressed, open up your small notebook and read those statements.

Sometimes, it helps to be able to talk to someone about the anxieties in our relationships. If possible, talk to a professional who can help you manage your fears and anxieties. They will be able to provide you with additional advice and insights on how to deal with your current problem. By talking to a professional, a person will be helping themselves in the long run because they will become better able to deal with their problems in the future.

Dealing with the fears and anxieties of a relationship can be sometimes be overwhelming. It takes persistence and a lot of practice to be able to manage our fears. Remember that all you can do is to do your best each day, hope for the best, and take things in stride.

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The Relationship Artist: Finding Your Alone Time!

Many newlyweds want to spend a lot of time together, but at some point, the need for alone time is needed. For some couples, time alone is more necessary than for other couples. It's unusual when both people need the same amount of alone time or the same amount of together time, but if you happen to be with someone who's just like you, that may be the case. For most couples, however, one individual surfaces as the one who needs more time alone. This shouldn't be a problem, but for some it is.

If you happen to be the type of person who operates better in life when you've had some time alone to think, meditate, and enjoy your own solitude to unwind and decompress, it's important to make that clear to your spouse.

Many individuals in marriages are opposites - one is the introvert, and the other is the extrovert. The introvert naturally seeks more time alone. Introverts recharge their batteries by spending time alone. Being around people and interacting recharges extroverts.

If you're the extrovert in the family, it might be a good thing for you to make plans with your own friends once and a while, giving your introvert spouse some time alone. It might also be good to spend time alone, but yet, together in the same home. That's going to happen a lot, anyway. You might as well get used to it and learn to enjoy it. You could be working on a project or hobby and your spouse could be doing something else. Though the extrovert may desire more time together, every one needs time to discover more about themselves, separate from the other person.

Some couples, when they first marry, feel like they're still "playing house." One will be cooking and the other paying bills. They will run into each other from room to room and share a kiss, a moment, and then get back to that "alone time." Soon enough, the "together time" is desired and before you know it, couples find each other embraced or getting cozy on the couch watching a movie. All in all, it's just a matter of finding your own groove as a couple.

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The Relationship Artist: More Than One Soulmate!

When we grew up, we were exposed to all sorts of examples of relationships and romantic ideals from television shows, movies and music. Media has a big effect on how we think our relationships should be like. The most pronounced of these ideals is the "one true love". We tend to believe that there is only one true love for us. This is a big disappointment to the people who have already believed that they have had the "one", only for that relationship to end in divorce or break up. Alot of these folks really think that their shot for eternal love is over, and now they must resort to settling with a new partner........ a comfortable companion, but who will never match up to their lost love.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Any one of us has the possibility to connect again with another soulmate. There is not just one soulmate for each of us, but the real chance to know another soul as intimately as we did our true love. A soulmate is a person that you connect with on a spiritual level. Another person whose soul touches yours. It is not a lottery or crapshoot that you touch the soul of another, but a choice you make to do so. Too many people believe that they are not in control of whom they fall in love with, but like leaves in the wind, just end up where they may. A soulmate is a person that on one hand you may have known before in another life and you may instantly recognize, or on the other, someone you choose to reach out spiritually to and get to know on that level. Anyone around us has the possibility of being a true love. I don't believe there is just one of anything that beautiful.

If we do believe that there is only one true love, then we run into the possibility of becoming obsessed with that individual. You may end up sacrificing any part of you to be with or hang on to this lover. As we have discussed before, obsession is not an ingredient of a strong relationship. There is nothing more uncomfortable than thinking that we could lose forever the one and only love we can experience in our lives. That would make me a nervous wreck and I would not fully enjoy my relationship. I would put pressure on myself to be the best I could be. I may sacrifice interests, hobbies, friends, and beliefs to make sure the relationship stayed on a smooth path. Being the best you can be must be a choice you make, not a fear to be otherwise. It is all about choices. We have endless choices for happiness as long as we know it is up to us, and not at the whim of chance. We have all the power to make ourselves into anything we want to be. We have choices to discover, get to know better, touch their soul and fall in love with another person. We can heal from bad relationships knowing full well that the world is wide open to us and that we have learned many lessons that give us the wisdom to find an even stronger relationship.

Believe that if you made the choice, anyone around you could be the "one" if only you gave them the chance. Remember this......99% of the time we are only judging potential partners on how they look, what car they drive, how much money they have, quirks that get on our nerves or any number of risky first impressions. Why is looking at the soul of another only count for 1%? It should be the FIRST thing you look at in a potential lover and let the three dimensional chips fall where they may. Again, even if you believe that you have met your "one and only", do they really believe that of you? Relationships are funny in that one partner typically loves the other more. It is not equal in its intensity. Be careful that your perspective isn't running away with your sensibilities, meaning that from your perspective you know you have found your soulmate, but from his perspective you are just the "comfortable companion". Most couples can't communicate good enough to make it clear to themselves which is which. They keep their feelings to themselves because they are content with the status quo.......until they are gone. You have all the choices. Make the choice to look at the soul of anyone that may be around you. Give potential mates a chance. Even if no one else will do it this way, know that you will rise above the fray and express your power and belief that you will be happy. You will no longer be in the dark. Make your power of choice the shining light that illuminates your world for all to see. Light the path for others and inherit your reality. Make sure that you are "The One"........

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The Relationship Artist: Staying An Individual

As children, were are all taught that one of the most important things in life is to be an individual. To think, dream, and plan our life around our goals. After all, who knows us better than ourselves? Every thought we have is our own......no one elses. We create a reality all our own for us to exercise all the freedoms that we have to enjoy. Being an individual means that we take responsibility for every decision we make, whether good or bad. Deep inside, we all know this to be true. The greatest gift your life can give you is self realization and self worth. No one can ever take that from you.

individual - to be whole and undivided. to be a complete and perfect piece of a greater entity.

As I mentioned earlier, being a whole individual is what makes our dreams come true. It's when we feel complete within ourselves that it is easier to share our lives with others. It's OK to think about you, you, you. Be selfish for a change! The stronger an individual you are, the greater the impact on your relationships......and not just the romantic ones. In every relationship you have, people are counting on you to be whole, capable, happy, and dependable. Your friends and your lovers, your children, your neighbors...... your parents, your boss and even your employees......and most of all yourself, want and need you to be all that you can be. When we concern ourselves with our well being, everyone wins. We want to be happy. We need to be able to take care of ourselves. We should realize when we are in need of repair.

Think back to when we were children. Remember all the care free times? We played.....we dreamed.....the future was wide open. Often, we would envision what we would be like as adults. We saw ourselves as firemen and doctors, inventors and discoverers, space travelers and the President. We saw ourselves as superheroes. Being the best we could be. Happy, with the man or woman of our dreams.......having babies and living in cozy little houses. I know you remember. Why are children able to see the potential of everything they can be? Why as adults, do we have such a hard time realizing the exact same potential? How much of your childhood visions of yourself have held true? Are you who you thought you would be?

Each one of us is truly a superhero.

We can be the very best we can be. We have the ability to reach the stars. The key is being a whole individual. Physically, mentally, and spiritualy. You have to know that you are the most special person on Earth. Your self worth has to be in the forefront of your mind. There is a light that shines from the inside of your soul that is brighter than one million suns. It is a powerful force that nothing can extinguish. All of life's problems and stresses, unpaid bills and childhood traumas, may damage the ego but cannot touch the essence of who you are!

The superhero always wins.

Until you truly feel you are the superhero, entering into a love relationship will have it's issues. Is it clear to you what two whole, complete and perfect individuals in love can be like? That love can move mountains. You have to fill whatever void you may have in your soul before you can love another. Love yourself first. Make it a number one priority to find closure with your issues. Make it a priority to concern yourself with yourself first. We all have the responsibility to visualize ourselves being anything we want to be. Create for yourself a world of your dreams.....where anything is possible. Allow someone else in your world only when they deserve it and have earned it.

You are special. They have to earn it.

Make sure your potential mate is not half a person. You are not a hospital. The Love Boat was not a rescue ship. Love will have a hard time flourishing when you are pulling bucket loads of your life's essence to mend the holes in the soul of another. I may not know what love really is, but dependancy is what love is not.

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The Relationship Artist: Saying "I Love You"

Saying I love you is one of the most wonderful yet oddly unnerving experiences for someone in a new relationship. It says that you care about a person to an extent that they need to take notice. It also says that you might think more of them than they think of you. Therein lies the problem!



As beings of conscience, we do not like rejection. It hits too close to home; too close to our deepest fears. Saying I love you is like asking rejection over for a cup of tea. It slips in the door rather quietly then slaps you upside the head so hard you can’t be sure which way is up. All the while you’re left wondering how and why it is you brought this on yourself. Beings of conscience have natural instincts to preserve their well being and making verbal gestures of love that could go unrequited sets this instinct off.

"I love you is the greatest thing one person can say to another."

Yet saying those magical words is just what you find yourself ready to do. Maybe it struck you when you were feeling tomatoes in the produce department at your local grocery store or perhaps it came over you while on the bus into work. Whatever the case, when it hit, you knew it was true. You probably weren’t around this special person at the time of enlightenment, otherwise you would have leaned over and said I love you right away, right? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you were and you did and you got stunned silence in return or a tight ‘I think you’re really great, too.’ The point is that only one thing matters here. That is that someone loves another person and has or should have the courage to say it.

How long is life? For most, not nearly long enough. In that time you can only say I love you so many times. Again, it’s never enough. If you feel it in your heart, you owe it to yourself to say it. Love doesn’t belong inside of you. Sure, you need to love yourself, but it’s so much better to love someone else. Let them know when you feel it. Say it because there could be no tomorrow. Say it because it feels right. Don’t look for it in return. It will find you in time.

The best advice that can be given is to be open about how you feel. Worrying about how it will be received isn’t the point. Say it when you mean it. I love you is the greatest thing one person can say to another. Even fear of rejection can’t stand in the way of that.

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The Relationship Artist: The Commitment Phobe

Commitment phobia is rooted in fear -- fear of lost options or fear of making poor decisions. Most especially, commitment phobia is the fear and avoidance of having to commit to anything, but especially relationships. And like the proverb, it’s a double edged sword: on the one hand you avoid obligations, ties, and commitments yet at the same time the commitment phobic may secretly crave the lives of those who committed and the growth that those roots produced.

Commitment phobics are the women who say, "All men are jerks," or the men who claim, "Women are only out to get my money” – rationalisations to justify avoiding a committed relationship.

Men are generally considered more commitment-phobic than women, but recent research suggests that this might be a case of stereotyping, and that it is not necessarily a gender-specific thing.

Intimacy:

However, most commitment phobic men and women truly yearn for a deep and intimate relationship leading toward marriage, but fright causes them to butcher every dating opportunity they may get. Sex outside of marriage, or promiscuous behaviour fosters a false sense of intimacy, which feels really good at the time, but is only a fabrication based on how we think we should feel when we are having sex. It is the substitution of “instant gratification” at the expense of deep, lasting satisfying soul-love.

Relationships:

In romantic relationships, the paradox is that the commitment phobic craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. When we speak of commitment phobia among singles, we are referring to folks who avoid committing to long term relationships such as marriage. Previous abusive relationships, intimacy issues or traumatic childhood experiences could be causes for this kind of commitment avoidance. Another possibility is that the child might have witnessed, or been a victim of, poor role models, or even abusive relationships during those formative years. Not surprisingly, this can (consciously or unconsciously) colour the way they feel and take part in relationships as an adult, too.

Statistics show that we are happier and more well-adjusted when we are in committed relationships. According to psychologists, the commitment phobes behave like this because they suffer from certain beliefs about relationships. Rather than being harmful, commitment-phobia is a healthy fear that will prevent you from jumping into new relationships before you are ready. At this point you may form temporary friendships and love relationships in order to "get your feet wet" again.

Rather than being harmful, commitment phobia may be seen as a healthy fear that will prevent you from jumping into new relationships before you are ready. Struggling against the fear of commitment often pays off because being able to share your life with someone you really care for can be wonderful.

Meanwhile, think on this: “Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather than for our own.”

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The Relationship Artist: Soulmates - One Girl's Story

" ....when we held hands, a warm peace flowed through my soul.

The night I met Alex, I almost could tell there was something different in the air. I was just going to a get together with some friends, but I had a strange nervous feeling like something was up. It was like I already knew I was going to meet him. Alex is the brother of one my close friends and I had seen a few pictures of him, but this was far different. The minute we met I felt as if I had known him my whole life. There was a recognition....we both felt it. It was an instant comfort. A warmth that quickly encased my body..... something more intense than sexual attraction. As we talked, we found that we had so much in common. Not things like favorite teams or t.v. shows, but the way we felt about life, relationships, and spiritual beliefs. The very fact that I was even talking to someone I had just met two hours earlier about these personal things made me very emotional. I have friends I have known for years that don't know my views on alot of these issues. Talking to him.......it felt easy and natural.
There was an attraction in every part of my being. I felt a glow inside.

It's hard to put into words, but it was as if the attraction was literally beyond ourselves. It seemed to come from a higher place. It was almost as if our souls were falling in love in Heaven. I felt a wanting to be near him because I felt safe. There was an instinctive trust that felt more right than any feeling I had ever experienced. I offered my hand for his. When we touched it was electric. I felt as if we were one and that I understood him completely. When we held hands, a warm peace flowed through my soul. I could have stayed there forever. It was the most comfortable feeling I had ever felt.....like I was in a far away place. At that moment, I had no stress, no worries, no fears. All I could see was him. A beautiful light shined from within him. The background noise of the party sounded as if it was a mile away and I no longer remembered where I was. We were in our own world......our own universe, completely oblivious to anything around us. As our souls embraced in Heaven, Alex and I went for the ride of our lives. It was a feeling far beyond our control. It was beautiful. It was perfect. It took my breath away.....

In the two years since I met Alex, our relationship has grown deeper with every passing day. I love him unconditionally. And that, Colin, is the greatest of all feelings. To absolutely trust someone and to never feel judged, to wholly know someone so deeply and intimately, is God's greatest gift to us. I hold that gift close to my heart and soul with every fiber of my being.....the precious gift of being with my soulmate. We stand as one in our world. We share our deepest feelings and we embrace our warmest dreams. We will always be there for each other and we always have. We have been there for each other for a thousand lifetimes, and together we will share a thousand more. We make our lives as we want it to be.....together. We create our opportunities and we visualize our future.....together.

Sometimes I believe that this relationship is the true reason for why I was brought down to this earth, it is that important to me. What we have created, Alex and I, cannot be put into words. It gives my life meaning. More so than money, career, or applause. It is what it truly means to be alive.
So, Colin, I really have no questions to ask. It felt great to try and put on paper what a soulmate means to me. It is a feeling of beauty and awe so precious that it is my wish that everyone may fall in love to the ultimate degree as I have, and it means alot to have shared my gift with you. I've read all the weekly 'love magazines', and there is a How to Meet Your Soulmate article in every other issue. But there is no mistaking it when it happens. You'll be sure of it and you'll know it to be true down to the very foundations of your existence. Love creates a force stronger than anything in the universe. You are no longer alone....."

- Denise P. Orlando, FL

Thank you Denise for your beautiful e-mail. I thought I would share this with everyone.......it made a big impact on me. -colin...

What's your story? Share it with me and the world! - relationshipartist@writeme.com

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The Relationship Artist: Staying Together

....dateline....May 23, 2008.....U.K...

Frank, 100, and Anita, 99, today celebrate their 80th wedding anniversary, equalling the record for England’s longest-ever marriage....
The pair met in 1926 at a YMCA dance in their home town of Plymouth. They married two years later, on May 26, 1928, and after the register office ceremony, popped to the cinema to catch a Charlie Chaplin film.

Most of us have wondered at one time or another (in one relationship or another) if that someone special was going to be "the one." While no one can be 100% sure where a couple's romantic future will lead, one researcher claims he can determine a couple's long-term prospects with a wildly high degree of accuracy.

John Gottman, Ph.D., a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington, has been observing couples for three decades now. In one landmark study, he recorded 15 minutes of conversations from 700 couples, comparing the number of positive interactions they displayed toward each other (such as smiles or compliments) to the number of negative ones (eye-rolls, sarcasm, or criticism). From that data, Gottman determined that healthy couples generally adhere to a "magic ratio" of 5 to 1.

That is, a minimum of five positive comments or gestures for every negative one. Ten years later, Dr. Gottman and his colleagues checked back with the couples they recorded to see who were still together. They found that their predictions were 94% accurate!

So, while you're probably not going to sit down and record yourself with your sweetie (and even Gottman doesn't suggest you do), what you can do to assess your relationship's chances is try to stay "generally positive." With that idea in mind, the ratio should take care of itself.

"Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest" according to the Love Doctor. This doesn't mean keeping your feelings to yourself though, Gottman explains. It means reframing the way you present them. So instead of saying: "We're not staying at your parent's this Christmas, are we? They drive me nuts," try this: "I'd love it if we stayed at a hotel over Christmas, it would make relaxing much easier for both of us."

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The Relationship Artist: Gain Power Through Listening!

Listening is one of the most important skills you can learn in life. Whether it is with your family, work or with your friends, listening is the key to find out and understand information you need to know.

There are different kinds and levels of conversation. There are conversations that are like ping pong, a natural back and forth exchange. Some are light and some more in depth interactions.

These tips will facilitate a more meaningful conversation as well as show respect to someone who wants to share something significant with you. These skills will work in casual situations with family and friends or more formal situations at work.

1. Allow the person to fully express themselves and their feelings without interrupting. This takes responsibility on our part and humility. We humble ourselves when we set aside our own desire to be heard and listen to someone else. The interesting thing is when you are willing to listen to someone else, they usually return the favor and show interest in listening to you as well.

2. Be present with them. If you are in person, look them in the eye.

When you walk or eat together or on the phone and it would be awkward for continual eye contact, make sure you simply let them know you are with them. Let it come natural but be present.

3. Listen with your heart, not just your mind. Get a feeling of empathy for what they experienced or felt.

When you develop listening skills, you will have power in your relationships. There are many more tips to effective listening and ways to work though conflict and have peace in your relationships.

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The Relationship Artist: Date Yourself First!

Dating is a beautiful way to find a partner. Dating gives us an opportunity to know our prospective partner better and vice versa. With dating, we can decide if we are made for each other? If we succeed in taking a proper decision we will have a smooth life ahead that will have no pot holes on the way. Before we begin dating, should we not know ourselves better? Our personality, our strengths and weaknesses and what are we seeking from our partner?

Do you want to find someone who you can love as much as you want, or are you looking for someone who will love you to satisfy your need of being loved? This is important to know. Some of us never got as much love as we wanted, so we look around for a partner who will make us feel satisfied and worthy of love. Or we may wish to find a person who we can love to our hearts desire. This is important distinction and please look into your motives before searching for a dating partner. In either of the cases you will be looking forward to a different kind of person to succeed.

Are you confident about yourself? Do you feel threatened if you commit? Does the thought of living with someone you know only for a small time fill you with anxiety? Many of us are not ready to commit at all. After some time of dating, such people break the relationship because they feel threatened. If you are such a person, think about your mental makeup carefully and better talk about this to your dating partner or a friend in whom you have faith. Feeling threatened will always make you back out at the last moment and your efforts will always go waste without your realizing the real reason.

Are you looking for a partner who will protect you from this world? Like a little kid, do you want to go back to Mom and feel safe. If that is the case, please search for someone who wants to protect his/her beloved. To know about yourself and to find out what you are seeking in a relationship that will make you happy is essential to find out who fits the bill for you. Please find out more about yourself before entering the beautiful game of dating.

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The Relationship Artist: Your Life Is Not For Rent

The Relationship Artist: Your Life Is Not For Rent

That's right. You are not for rent.
What I mean is that you have to stand up for your values and your beliefs. You own those things.....no one else.
Just because you enter into a relationship does not mean that you give away everything that you are. Take a long look at your relationship.

How much are you giving away?

Not only am I talking about posessions such as your money, your car, and your living space, but intangibles such as your emotions, your energy, and your beliefs. Throw in your time, your love and your trust, and it becomes a very empty situation. These are valueable things that we spend most of our adult lives building and refining. They make us feel secure and comfortable and when all the small pieces fit together, define who we are.

We need to understand the difference between sharing and giving away. Of course we want to share the things we have with someone we love, but when do we start to give and give to either fill the percieved voids we think we see in others, or worse yet.....to try and keep someone in our lives.
Your life is not for rent. Your not going to let just anyone move in.

Two individuals that are whole and complete share all the wonderful things that they value with each other. They share stories and secrets. They share experiences and dreams. They are building something very powerful together. They learn so much from each other that they feel enlightened and happy. As each individual grows, the more they have to share with their loved one. This is the kind of relationship that's important to you and it's the kind of love that will last.

All to often, we give to try to make someone happy. We give to show them that we care. We give because the better we get to know someone, we begin to see the imperfections we did'nt pay attention to when we fell in love. In a gesture to 'get back' to the way we felt about them when we were in the throws of love, we give to try and patch up the voids we see and to 'fix' the situation. This can seem basically harmless at first until we feel the drain. Financially, emotionally.....it does'nt matter. We are pulling from ourselves to fill the holes we see.

I know we are brought up to care for people. Especially those we see that are not as fortunate as us. But you have to learn to say "NO." You can't fix people. Why would we think that we can? It is up to them. If they really care, they will look inside themselves and find the strength to make changes. A beautiful, caring relationship is a rare thing. You know that. We spend a majority of our lives looking for that elusive unshakeable love.

If your partner does'nt see the beauty and rarity.....they are not for you. If being the best that they can be is not priority number one......they are not for you. If you are too busy babysitting your partner's problems, issues, and feelings, you may be missing out on meeting the love of your life. Your relationship will be a disaster and it's going to hurt.
And remember this...... don't believe that you are so smart as to have all the answers to fix someone's life long problems. It is a struggle for trained psychologists to even begin to help, and that can take years of therapy with no guarantee of results. First and foremost, it is up to each one of us to address our own issues and find the help we need. Playing "Doctor" was fun when we were children, but it is a whole different ballgame now.

Your life is not for rent. You own it. All the good, and all the bad. It is YOUR life. No one elses. Stand up for yourself, your values, your beliefs, and your dreams. If someone who has'nt earned your love is trying to set up house in your life, just tell them "NO".........

"No More Broken Hearts!"

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