The Relationship Artist: How To Heal A Broken Heart

Breaking up is never fun. The end of a relationship means the beginning of a period of mourning and healing for both people. If the break up was mutual both people will experience a period of adjustment where they are getting used to no longer being together. If the break up was not mutual the person who ended things may be dealing with guilt and feelings that they may have made a mistake. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. How do you get through those first few weeks? Here I list eight essential things everybody must do in the early days of a break up to let the healing begin.

1) Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you do to or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks the best thing you can do for yourself is not be where you know they will be.

2) Talk out your feelings with close friends. Get everything out so that you won’t hold it inside. Your friends may get sick of hearing you talk about the situation but you need to let out all your feelings and thoughts or they may come back to bite you later.

3) Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex. You don’t want your tears to be used as a guilt trip. Their purpose is to cleanse you of any pain not make your lover come back.

4) Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship. Hide them out of sight so they will be out of mind until you are able to remember the relationship without longing for it to still be going strong.

5) Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS. This will only set you back and let’s face it, if things ended the relationship wasn’t perfect to begin with so why would you want to rekindle things?

6) Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss.

7) Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory. Remind yourself that somebody who truly cared for you would not have done such thoughtless things and tell yourself (over and over) that you are better off without that kind of ego crushing behavior in your life.

8- Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t pass notes through friends. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way.

Mending a broken heart is not easy but it can be done. Just stick to the game plan outlined above and before you know it you’ll be just fine. Good luck!

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The Relationship Artist: Online Love Success!

Feel like your waiting forever to meet someone special online?

In today's world, you can find everything online: you can order your groceries, a pair of shoes and a job all from the World Wide Web. So it would make perfect sense that you can also find a mate in the very same fashion!

Some are a little skittish about online dating though it has become so popular that people of all ages and walks of life are now doing online dating. It is not "just" for the young or for people who love computers. Often as we get older, our social circles close in on us: online dating is an excellent way to widen it out a bit and meet some people with similar interests and preferences.

Just be yourself. Mom was totally right when she said this and we'll tell you why: when you put on an act to be someone else the person you are with forms an entirely different picture about who you are. This means that if they are attracted to you, then they are actually attracted to someone else. You want them to like you for you! So show your date exactly who you are: chances are they'll like what they see.

Put your best foot forward. There is a difference between showing someone who you are and scratching where it itches in public! Take this opportunity to show your date your sunny side and your best features. If you have a great sense of humor have a couple of jokes planned. If you are known for something else your strong listening skills or charm: then share this with your date.

They have sweaty palms too! We'll let you in on a little secret: everyone is nervous on a date. This is true whether or not you see them acting nervous or not. Some people just hide this better. So have some compassion if your date is laughing a little too hard or fidgeting in their seat. They're just having a case of first date jitters like you are too. There is a benefit to remembering this tip you tend to calm down a bit yourself.

Everyone has baggage: leave yours outside for now. We all have something that we pull around with us. It may be a divorce, credit card debt or a college degree we are still completing. Everyone has something they consider their "baggage." Sometimes it is a big deal and other times it really isn't. Most of the time what matters is how much of a positive attitude you have about the situation and how much effort you are using to change or act in the circumstance.

You usually can't change the fact that you have been divorced (unless you re-marry the person) though you can refrain from making negative comments about them or telling endless stories about why your marriage was a failure.

Be clear about what you are looking for. The "dating game" can be a real challenge. Part of this is because it truly isn't an even playing field. You may be looking for a serious relationship and others are just looking for companionship or a little fun. Be clear and upfront about what you want from the start without getting into what hair color you hope your kids are going to have.

Use a light touch when telling someone what you are looking for and put yourself in their shoes. If you are not looking for a serious relationship, then you'd probably want to know this ahead of time also. Remember that although someone may say one thing they also can change their mind as a relationship progresses.

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The Relationship Artist: Promises Guys MUST Keep!

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When you tell her you'll do something, she assumes you mean it. And slacking won't just piss her off, it may make her doubt your word in the future. So do both of you a big favor and follow through on the phrases below.

"I'll call you right back."
We know how it is: You're talking to your girlfriend when you get hungry. You tell her you're going to make a sandwich but reassure her that you'll phone once you're done eating.

Flash forward two hours: The sandwich is long gone, and you're engaged in a bloodbath on your PS2. Meanwhile, she's wondering where the hell you are. "When you tell her you'll call right back, assume she's thinking it'll be about five minutes," says psychotherapist Robert Mark Alter, author of It's (Mostly) His Fault. If you know it'll be two hours, say, "I have to deal with a few things; can I call you later?"

"I'll take care of it."
You're a busy guy, and you may have more important stuff to do than fix a leaky faucet in your beloved's bathroom. But when she asks for help and you agree, she's counting on you to get the job done. "Women these days are independent and don't like having to ask for anything," says Bobbie Reid, author of Clueless. "When you don't take care of it, she has to keep bugging you, which makes her feel like a nag."

So the next time she makes a request that you can't get to right away, Reid suggests telling her that you'll totally be able to take a look at it, but not until a specific day the next week. That way, she won't keep asking, and you won't be the ass who never did what he said.

"We should go there."
Making plans tends to be more of a woman's forte, which is why it means so much when you come up with a cool date idea of your own. That's also why it can be a major letdown when you don't follow through. "By suggesting it, she assumes you're now going to make all the arrangements, and that makes her feel special," says Alter. So the next time you mention trying that new Moroccan restaurant, make a reservation or tack on the addendum "...just remind me."

"I'll be there at seven."
Okay, admittedly women aren't always ready when they say they'll be. Still, there's an expectation that if you tell a girl you'll be showing up at a certain time, you'll be there. "Being late is inconsiderate and makes her feel like you don't care about seeing her," says Reid. So if you're going to be tardy for a legit reason (like your boss has you chained to your desk), call! She's a lot less likely to bitch if you give her a heads-up.

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The Relationship Artist: Don't Be A Chrome Woman

Don't be a chrome woman? What on Earth am I talking about now?

I want to talk about a friend of mine. Let's call her Julie......even though her name is Lee. (sorry...couldn't help it!) There is one thing I always noticed about her. No matter who she was in a relationship with, Julie never quite seemed to be herself. She tried way too hard to keep her man happy. Now, that in itself is not really an issue, we all try to impress our present partners even if we go overboard from time to time, waiting on them hand and foot. What I noticed about Julie was that no matter who she was with at the time, she always turned into a carbon copy of them. Any interest the guy had......racing, football, dogs, "Lost", it didn't matter, Julie would make those interests hers. Maybe I need to explain that it's Okay to want to share and be involved with your lover's hobbies and interests. In fact, that's a great thing! Only Julie would forget to bring those parts of herself to the relationship table. That's why I call her "Chrome Woman". Almost as if she is made of chrome, she is only a reflection of whoever she is standing next to at any given time. No good......

I see this alot. And it is never a positive thing for a relationship. We have discussed this before......how being an individual is the strongest gift you can bring to a new relationship. In Julie's case, it is an exceptional shame. She is one of the most beautiful, intelligent, and interesting people I have ever met. For some reason, though, she leaves her soul/self tucked inside where no one can see it. She, above most women I know, can bring a wonderful collection of stories, experiences, and views on life into a relationship and contribute her share of the neccessary energy to make a relationship work. But, for some reason she doesn't. In her mind, she needs to "become" whoever she is with at the time. Julie even goes as far as to dress similar to her man and will talk like him as well, using the same slang, accent, and inflections. She becomes a fanatic over whatever sport, TV show, or favorite food her lover likes, even if she never had a previous interest in them before meeting him. It is like having a "Mini Me" following you around wherever you go and it can drive you crazy. To no one's surprise, Julie's relationships are only half as great as they could be and they don't last as long as they should.

In the Eddie Murphy movie, "Coming To America", the Prince (Murphy) meets his pre-arranged fiance for the first time, on the eve of their wedding. When the Prince asks her, "What is your favorite movie?" she replies, "whatever you like." When asked by the Prince, "What is your favorite food?" she replies again, "whatever you like." And it goes on and on......places, hobbies, dances, music. Always the same reply, "whatever you like". Finally, the Prince tells her to jump on one foot and bark like a dog. She of course complies, and the Prince walks out on his wedding and flies to America in search of a "real woman of substance." Funny movie......I love it. But, unfortunately too close for comfort when it comes to some of my friends. Any man faced with this boring situation would more than likely make like an atom and split.

You have to bring yourself to the relationship.....it's as simple as that. When you get invited to the relationship party, make sure you're the one who shows up. It's only fair. Impersonators are a load of fun at the comedy clubs, but you don't want to marry one. You are made up of so many experiences, moments, and precious soul pieces that it is a special gift to share the essence of who you are with your lover. Don't they deserve the wonderful surprises you have for them? Isn't it beautiful when two souls share their most delicate interests with each other? Are you or someone you know a "Chrome Woman?"

Well, stop it. Your lover deserves better! Don't be frightened to bare all......

1+1= something alot bigger than two.............remember?

.........and Julie Lee......if you will still talk to me after this, let's get some coffee.......I want to know more about you...

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The Relationship Artist: Divorce Sucks!!

Why do we want to do this to our children? This breaks my heart. Why can't we try to find the powerful moments that brought us together in the first place? Divorcing couples were in love enough once to vow everlasting togetherness to each other. Why should our selfishness allow us to throw that away and destroy the foundations of our family? And of course...as we look for what we think will make us happy (without really knowing ourselves), and convincing our egos that the grass MUST be greener, it is the innocents that always pay the price.

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The Relationship Artist: Are You In Love??

I want to talk about the "L" word for a moment. Right, you guessed it........love. No three little words in human history have shaken the foundations of our emotional state as I Love You. Have you heard those three little words lately? When you did, how did it make you feel? Every one of us are in one level or another of love. From head spinning ecstasy to just a care above mowing the grass, love affects us in a way that is profound. What exactly is this powerful force?

I've read all sorts of psychological journals trying to figure it out, but end up more confused than ever. Deep down, it is something that really can't be cubby holed with definitions and psycho babble. Love is the state of oneness with a supposed stranger..... a person who maybe only a few short months earlier was completely unknown to us. Is it possible to be swept into a whirlwind of emotions by someone we have just met? Does "love at first sight" really exist or is it just our own wishful thinking to be cared for unconditionally by another? I believe it does.

I've always believed that love is the energy that drives Heaven. Just as we have oxygen and light and food to live on here on Earth, love is the driving force for our souls to live on. It is the most powerful of all emotions. I think when you feel real love; you have connected with another soul in Heaven. It is the crossing of two paths. The path you share is intertwined with everyone else on Earth, but some you can recognize more than others. Why is it that when you fall in love someone you seem to have instant familiar feelings? You finish each other's sentences, and feel like you have known them your whole life. They complete you as if you were never quite finished until you met them.

Attraction.....yes. Caring for each other......yes.

But what is with the feeling of overwhelming familiarity? It is because you do know them. And you have for a long, long time. The great thing about falling in love is that it is not just a happenstance of luck. It is a reconnection, if you will. The soul in another that you have finally reconnected with that you have been searching for. You cross paths with people everyday. We eat together, work together, and play together. We have many acquaintances and friends........but love is always a surprise. It seems to come out of nowhere. But love is no accident and there is no real surprise.

When you finally touch base with the soul of another, you know it. The search comes to an end, but the real connection begins to unfold. There is everything in the Universe to be happy about. What seems like a one in a billion chance has just come true. I Love You has alot of meanings. When you hear it do you believe it? What does it mean to you? You need to know just how precious and rare reconnecting with the eternal soul of another is. And when it happens, you need not fear it. Make it the most worthwhile activity and nurture it as a delicate plant. Know that you have been given the greatest gift of all and make it your priority number one. A heavenly gift?

Absolutely!

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The Relationship Artist: Secrets To Making A Marriage Last!

When you dream about a happily-ever-after, sitting in a lawyer's
office and dividing your assets isn't usually part of the dream.
Divorce isn't 100 percent preventable, but there are steps you can
take to avoid the nightmare scenario. And if you are already
divorced, don't be discouraged -- just apply what you've learned in
your next relationship.
To increase your chances of retaining an everlasting marriage, follow
these guidelines.

1. Get married after about two years of courtship
Researchers say that if a couple's courtship is average in length --
around two years, four months -- there is less chance of divorce.
Couples who rush to the altar, as well as couples who drag their feet
to the altar, have an increased risk for divorce. "The couples who
are slowest to marry tend to be the quickest to split," according to
Ted Huston, Ph.D.

2. Rethink living together
Living together before marriage is more popular than ever and it
stands to reason that you might want to take someone for a "test
drive" around your living space before you commit to marriage.
However, research doesn't support this. Couples who live together
before marriage have a higher risk of divorce.


3. Wait until you are a little older to marry
Statistics show that if you marry after age 25, your marriage will
have a much better chance.


4. Talk about the big issues before you get married
How many kids do you both want? How will you handle your finances?
It's important to clarify these questions before the honeymoon.
Premarital education or counseling can help with this. Studies show
that those who go through this process have higher levels of marital
satisfaction and more commitment to their spouses.


5. You can argue, just don't let it turn into World War III
Arguing is a natural part of a relationship and in and of itself does
not predict divorce. However, the way you argue does. Researchers
Gottman and Levenson say they can predict divorce by watching how
negative a couple gets with each other, as well as how many
constructive, positive interactions they have during an argument.
Things to avoid when arguing: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and
stonewalling. Learn to tone down heated arguments with humor and a
few kind words.


6. Do stuff together
Yes, you both need to have your own individual interests. However, if
you take this too far you may start to lead separate lives and grow
apart, like if he spends every Saturday golfing and she spends every
Saturday swimming. Learn to reconnect by taking part in a hobby or
activity that you both enjoy. Also important: Take time for intimacy
even when it seems like you don't have a minute to spare. Forms of
intimacy like massage and cuddling are wonderful ways to bring you
closer together.


7. Share the chores
If one person does the majority of the housework while the other
slacks off, that's a recipe for divorce.


8. Be as polite to each other as you are to strangers
Sometimes we treat the people we love most with the least amount of
respect without even realizing it. Ask yourself, "Do I treat friends,
acquaintances, coworkers, and even strangers nicer than I do my
significant other?"
Take time to give each other compliments and remember to say
"please" and "thank you" rather than barking orders or nagging.


9. Have issues? Get help!
Is one of you suffering from depression? Does one of you have
substance abuse issues? Has one of you cheated? If you don't address
these types of issues individually as well as a couple, you
dramatically increase your divorce risk. Take steps to decrease your
divorce risk now by addressing these issues through counseling and
other means!


10. Marry someone who wants to be married
It seems obvious, but it's really not, since so many people ignore
it. If you have to beg, cajole, manipulate, and hurl ultimatums at
someone before they will agree to marry you, common sense says they
probably don't want to be married. If you think something is going to
change when you get that ring on their finger, you're wrong. Don't
set yourself up for failure. Find somebody who wants the same things
you want!

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The Relationship Artist: Dumping Commitment Phobes?r

In real life, some people are not really meant to be together, and sometimes when you've tried everything humanly possible -- and I mean really tried everything including asking for divine intervention -- and failed, it's smart to know when to walk away.

Walking away does not necessarily mean you will be able to stop loving that person because if you really love someone from your heart and soul you will never stop loving that person. Love is so much bigger than all of us because it's the very fabric by which we are made of. And when you love someone what you are basically doing is getting in touch with what you are made of. Trying to stop love is like trying to get out of your own skin -- good luck with that!

Walking away or "getting over" that person means that you stop expecting him or her to give you what he or she in unable to, is unwilling to, or just doesn't want to. And sometimes that something is commitment.

But I think a lot of people walk away too soon. This is the sad reality of the "modern" world we live in. We think that relationships come in little neat packages with instructions "Add A Little Sex And Live Happily Ever'. Many people don't realize that relationships need time and work. And with all the advice about "too many fish in the sea", walking away seems the coolest thing to do. It shows that you "don't care" and from where this kind of advice comes from, that is supposed to be a good thing. But many years later -- just like the people who gave you the advice -- you are still trying to "catch fish" in that sea. What does it say about you if you can't catch even one fish in a sea with too many fish?

Many more aren't willing to work as hard to make a relationship work as they work hard in their professions or careers. These same people start pushing premature commitment because of their own internal pressures and are quick to conclude it isn't working and walk away.

And then there are some people who try to work things out but go about it the wrong way -- nagging, begging, blaming, guilt tripping, giving ultimatums, playing break-up on and off again games etc. This very same things you do to try to get a "commitment" are the very things that make a commitment phobe even more weary of committing or run like an escaped death-row convict.

So true, being in love with someone who is afraid of commitment is hard, but commitment phobia is not a "terminal illness".

Men and women do get over their fear of commitment. I did. And you probably have heard or know of many men and women who were written off as commitment phobes by the people they were in a relationship with and two months later they have committed to someone else. And the person who dumped the commitment phobe is left confused, angry, jealous, bitter and feeling terribly inadequate -- like something is so wrong with her/him that someone who could never commit to them, had no problems committing to the next person.

Sometimes what a commitment phobe needs is:

-- someone who doesn't automatically assume that it's all a selfish act but understands and appreciates where the fear and anxieties are coming from (fear of losing one's independence, fear of marriage, fear of intimacy, fear of having kids, fear of financial burdens, fear of sharing a home, fear of offending family members, fear of moving to another state or country etc). Understanding and appreciation can help the two of you come to a compromise you can both live with.

-- someone who is emotionally well enough and emotionally secure enough to give some real tough-love; Many commitment phobes have been through so many relationships and know exactly how the script plays out. Having a game-changer who will not play by the script can sometimes be the "shock therapy" a commitment phobe really needs.

-- someone who is committed to really helping the commitment phobe get to that place where he or she feels "safe" enough to come out of their hiding place. Commitment phobia, like all fear, is really a wall to hide behind. And seeing that there is really nothing to fear is a great relief to a commitment phobe.

So before you walk away, make sure that you've earned your way out -- that is given it everything you got and more. That way you don't look back with regret because you dumped someone you still love and a few months later he or she commits to someone else.

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