The Relationship Artist: Finding Love After 40

Dating over 40 can be very fun. Not only have you had the chance to discover yourself and your likes and dislikes, but you are wise and experienced and you bring this to the dating table. It's a lot different from being young and silly while dating. However, it can also be quite difficult to date at this age as well. Being rusty when it comes to dating can leave room for doubt and nerves to come into play. This article offers some valuable dating tips for singles over 40 and some suggestions that will help make dating easier and fun for you!

Leaving Your Ex in the Past If you've had a divorce or separated from a long relationship, it can be very difficult not to refer to your ex. It's perfectly natural, especially if you were with the person for a long time. However, the person you're dating can feel as if they can never compete with the memory of your ex if you bring him or her up at every occasion. They do not want to be compared with your ex. Give them a fresh start with you by leaving your ex where he or she belongs - in the past. Think about how you would feel if your date discussed their ex at every available opportunity. To keep from making a slip, really consider what you say before you say it!

Finding Someone to Date Often times, singles over 40 can have a difficult time meeting new people. If you're past the desire to hang out in a bar or nightclub full of 20 year olds, never fear! There are a lot of great places to meet people your age. Think of your favorite café or diner, the gym, the place you volunteer at, or even an online dating service. One of the most important things you can do is talk! Don't be afraid to approach someone and start a conversation - after all, you're not a shy young kid anymore. Dating services can be very fun and allow you the chance to screen people before ever communicating with them.

Be Yourself The more honest you are, the better you will be when you're dating. You want someone to really begin to like you for who you are. For this reason, it's important to be yourself and be happy with who you are as you begin dating. It can be difficult to remember this because dating over 40 proves to be a frustration sometimes. Being lonely can easily make you want to be the 'perfect person' for someone else. However, if you continue being yourself you can be assured that when someone falls for you, they fall for the real you - not the 'perfect person.'

As you begin dating and meeting new people, remember the tips and suggestions in this article. They will help you break the ice when dating over 40 and you can make what seems to be very difficult into something fun and exciting. Good luck!

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The Relationship Artist: How Does Sex Affect A Relationship?

For some of us a relationship without sex is nothing more than a friendship. But there are many long-term and very successful relationships that do not include sex. So the question becomes whether sex is a necessary component at all or if it is simply a fulfillment of lust.

To begin this discussion I would like to explain that many relationships are started out of a physical attraction for one another. Some people would say that this phase is a period of lust. In essence, the partners may find that they not only enjoy each other's company but also that they have a desire to have sex.

During such a stage in the relationship it is likely that the couple will have frequent sex and that it will be both fun and exciting. This stage usually lasts for a few months.

Then the couple is likely to move into the second stage of a sexual relationship which is designed around romantic love. For many couples this stage will last from about six months to two years. During the time although some of the lust may taper off the sex remains frequent and very enjoyable.

For many people this phase is optimal because the love relationship seems to deepen and a real connection between the partners becomes apparent. The bonds strengthen and the relationship acquires a comforting element which lends itself to longevity.

As time goes on the couple is likely to experience the next stage in their sexual relationship. During this period a mature love develops. The sex may diminish a little or a lot and some of the excitement may be missing.

It is during this period that problems often develop. As the break down in the sexual relationship happens there may also be problems with the communication in the relationship. The lack of communication coupled with the decline in sex can result in trust issues.

Some couples progress to the point that their relationship is built on dynamics more commonly associated with roommates or brothers and sisters than that of a couple. Although relationships go through various phases it is important to maintain the appropriate dynamics if the relationship is to continue to blossom.

Over a period of time sex can decline to the point that the couples feel uncomfortable with the topic. One is afraid to approach the other so sex becomes a missing component in the relationship. Even if the desire for sex is there it may seem to be completely out of reach.

Couples in that situation probably need to start slowly. Jumping into bed to have sex may not sound appealing. I suggest that the couple work on less threatening ways of building that intimacy level back up first. To begin I suggest that the couple spend time cuddling. I know, that sounds trivial but it really is important.

Simple steps like including a few hugs throughout the day can make a difference. Then progress to holding each other and gazing into the eyes of your partner. Soon you should spend time holding one another in bed. If you do not start this way then progress to holding each other while you are naked. By taking things a step at a time you are likely to freshen some of those feelings and desires that were once so natural and compelling.

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The Relationship Artist: Are You A Commitment Phobe?

Your relationships are short-lived. Maybe you've been hurt in the past and are waiting for the perfect relationship. You think you're just being picky, but are starting to wonder if you might be commitment phobic. Everyone gets scared at the beginning of a new relationship, but you can learn whether your fears are justified or simply an excuse to keep from getting too close.

* Ask yourself some tough questions. Do you start hyper-analyzing a person's character traits before getting to know them? Are you unrealistic about your expectations? Have you passed up potential partners because you're waiting for the "perfect" mate? Answering these questions will help you realize whether your expectations are too high, thus setting you up to fail in relationships.

* Evaluate your past relationships. First decide if past relationships might be causing your trepidation. Were you hurt and now you're scared? Or do you feel as if you settled in the past and are now unwilling to accept less than your ideal partner? Take a deep look at these relationships and decide if they are affecting your current behavior.

* Decide what is important to you now. Regardless of past mistakes, what values, characteristics and personality traits do you need from a potential partner? Agree to have strong preferences, but allow room for someone who may not be perfect, but has a lot of the traits you desire.

* Forgive yourself. Once you realize that you might be sabotaging relationships because of a fear of commitment, forgive yourself and take positive steps to open yourself up to relationships. Once you forgive yourself you are more able to forgive others for their shortcomings.

* Realize that no one is perfect. Mr. or Ms. good enough may be the one you've been waiting for. Commitment phobia, waiting for an impossible dream, could be holding you back. Take the time to get to know someone you might not previously have thought held potential. He or she could be your dream mate.

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The Relationship Artist: Genetic Commitment Phobia

A man's reluctance to marry may be down to a genetic 'flaw', say researchers.

Men who inherit a genetic variant that affects an important attachment hormone are prone to marital strife and are less likely to wed, work suggests.

Animal studies have shown the same hormone - vasopressin - affects voles' abilities to remain monogamous.

The research by the Swedish team from the Karolinska Institute is published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science.

Bonding gene

The researchers examined the DNA of 552 sets of twins, all of whom were in a long-term relationship and had children. Some were living with their partner and others were married.

The men and women were asked a series of questions about their relationship and the answers were then compared to their genetic make-up.

This is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with how men bond to their partners Lead researcher Hasse Walum

Men with the 334 version of the AVPR1A gene earned lower scores from their partner/wife for strength of relationship bond. They were also less likely to be married.

If they were married, they were more likely to have experienced marital problems.

Having two copies of 334 doubled the chances that men would report having had a marital crisis in the past year.

It is thought that the gene, which was carried by 40% of the men, may affect the way the brain uses vasopressin.

The same gene has been linked with autism - a condition characterised by problems with social interaction.

Evolutionary benefit

Lead researcher Hasse Walum said: "This is the first time that a specific gene variant has been associated with how men bond to their partners.

"Women married to men who carry one or two copies of allele 334 were, on average, less satisfied with their relationship than women married to men who didn't carry this allele."

However, he stressed the gene was only a small part of the process - there are many different ingredients to a happy marriage.

"There are, of course, many reasons why a person might have relationship problems," he said.

Dr George Fieldman, principal lecturer in psychology at Buckingham New University, said there could be evolutionary benefits to possessing the 334 variant.

"There is potentially an advantage if the objective is to survive and spread your genes.

"But there are advantages of being monogamous and having the support of a family. It's never a one way street. Like many things in nature there is a trade off and genes tend to favour their own transmission."

Paula Hall, a counsellor for Relate, said: "Whilst this gene might create a predisposition, we are not slaves to our genes. The bond comes from the individuals in the relationship and the quality of their relationship."

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The Relationship Artist: How To Heal A Broken Heart

Breaking up is never fun. The end of a relationship means the beginning of a period of mourning and healing for both people. If the break up was mutual both people will experience a period of adjustment where they are getting used to no longer being together. If the break up was not mutual the person who ended things may be dealing with guilt and feelings that they may have made a mistake. The person being broken up with will definitely have to adjust, first to being rejected and second to life without somebody they still care for. How do you get through those first few weeks? Here I list eight essential things everybody must do in the early days of a break up to let the healing begin.

1) Avoid the former love. Yes, avoid. No, this isn’t being immature. Seeing your former flame can bring out emotions and may cause you do to or say something you will regret. In the first few weeks the best thing you can do for yourself is not be where you know they will be.

2) Talk out your feelings with close friends. Get everything out so that you won’t hold it inside. Your friends may get sick of hearing you talk about the situation but you need to let out all your feelings and thoughts or they may come back to bite you later.

3) Cry if you want to. It’s OK to cry over a loss. Don’t hold back, let the tears roll just do it in a safe and private place where it is unlikely to get back to your ex. You don’t want your tears to be used as a guilt trip. Their purpose is to cleanse you of any pain not make your lover come back.

4) Let go of mementos. Put away or give away anything and everything that reminds you of the relationship. Hide them out of sight so they will be out of mind until you are able to remember the relationship without longing for it to still be going strong.

5) Don’t slip up and get together with your ex. When you are feeling sad or missing a relationship it can be very easy to fall back in to the arms of your ex but DO NOT DO THIS. This will only set you back and let’s face it, if things ended the relationship wasn’t perfect to begin with so why would you want to rekindle things?

6) Focus on all the things about your ex that drove you crazy, turned you off, or that you just plain found annoying. Think about these things often and replay them in your mind over and over. Dwell on them. It will make you feel better to remember that your former flame was not perfect and that there are things you won’t really miss.

7) Think about the mean, cruel or rude things your ex may have done in your relationship. Really give these things play in your memory. Remind yourself that somebody who truly cared for you would not have done such thoughtless things and tell yourself (over and over) that you are better off without that kind of ego crushing behavior in your life.

8- Maintain a strict no contact policy and stick with it. Don’t pass notes through friends. Don’t make any calls. Stay away from instant messaging or texting on your cell. Just don’t contact your ex until you are totally and completely sure you no longer want to be with him or her. It is the only way.

Mending a broken heart is not easy but it can be done. Just stick to the game plan outlined above and before you know it you’ll be just fine. Good luck!

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The Relationship Artist: Online Love Success!

Feel like your waiting forever to meet someone special online?

In today's world, you can find everything online: you can order your groceries, a pair of shoes and a job all from the World Wide Web. So it would make perfect sense that you can also find a mate in the very same fashion!

Some are a little skittish about online dating though it has become so popular that people of all ages and walks of life are now doing online dating. It is not "just" for the young or for people who love computers. Often as we get older, our social circles close in on us: online dating is an excellent way to widen it out a bit and meet some people with similar interests and preferences.

Just be yourself. Mom was totally right when she said this and we'll tell you why: when you put on an act to be someone else the person you are with forms an entirely different picture about who you are. This means that if they are attracted to you, then they are actually attracted to someone else. You want them to like you for you! So show your date exactly who you are: chances are they'll like what they see.

Put your best foot forward. There is a difference between showing someone who you are and scratching where it itches in public! Take this opportunity to show your date your sunny side and your best features. If you have a great sense of humor have a couple of jokes planned. If you are known for something else your strong listening skills or charm: then share this with your date.

They have sweaty palms too! We'll let you in on a little secret: everyone is nervous on a date. This is true whether or not you see them acting nervous or not. Some people just hide this better. So have some compassion if your date is laughing a little too hard or fidgeting in their seat. They're just having a case of first date jitters like you are too. There is a benefit to remembering this tip you tend to calm down a bit yourself.

Everyone has baggage: leave yours outside for now. We all have something that we pull around with us. It may be a divorce, credit card debt or a college degree we are still completing. Everyone has something they consider their "baggage." Sometimes it is a big deal and other times it really isn't. Most of the time what matters is how much of a positive attitude you have about the situation and how much effort you are using to change or act in the circumstance.

You usually can't change the fact that you have been divorced (unless you re-marry the person) though you can refrain from making negative comments about them or telling endless stories about why your marriage was a failure.

Be clear about what you are looking for. The "dating game" can be a real challenge. Part of this is because it truly isn't an even playing field. You may be looking for a serious relationship and others are just looking for companionship or a little fun. Be clear and upfront about what you want from the start without getting into what hair color you hope your kids are going to have.

Use a light touch when telling someone what you are looking for and put yourself in their shoes. If you are not looking for a serious relationship, then you'd probably want to know this ahead of time also. Remember that although someone may say one thing they also can change their mind as a relationship progresses.

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The Relationship Artist: Promises Guys MUST Keep!

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When you tell her you'll do something, she assumes you mean it. And slacking won't just piss her off, it may make her doubt your word in the future. So do both of you a big favor and follow through on the phrases below.

"I'll call you right back."
We know how it is: You're talking to your girlfriend when you get hungry. You tell her you're going to make a sandwich but reassure her that you'll phone once you're done eating.

Flash forward two hours: The sandwich is long gone, and you're engaged in a bloodbath on your PS2. Meanwhile, she's wondering where the hell you are. "When you tell her you'll call right back, assume she's thinking it'll be about five minutes," says psychotherapist Robert Mark Alter, author of It's (Mostly) His Fault. If you know it'll be two hours, say, "I have to deal with a few things; can I call you later?"

"I'll take care of it."
You're a busy guy, and you may have more important stuff to do than fix a leaky faucet in your beloved's bathroom. But when she asks for help and you agree, she's counting on you to get the job done. "Women these days are independent and don't like having to ask for anything," says Bobbie Reid, author of Clueless. "When you don't take care of it, she has to keep bugging you, which makes her feel like a nag."

So the next time she makes a request that you can't get to right away, Reid suggests telling her that you'll totally be able to take a look at it, but not until a specific day the next week. That way, she won't keep asking, and you won't be the ass who never did what he said.

"We should go there."
Making plans tends to be more of a woman's forte, which is why it means so much when you come up with a cool date idea of your own. That's also why it can be a major letdown when you don't follow through. "By suggesting it, she assumes you're now going to make all the arrangements, and that makes her feel special," says Alter. So the next time you mention trying that new Moroccan restaurant, make a reservation or tack on the addendum "...just remind me."

"I'll be there at seven."
Okay, admittedly women aren't always ready when they say they'll be. Still, there's an expectation that if you tell a girl you'll be showing up at a certain time, you'll be there. "Being late is inconsiderate and makes her feel like you don't care about seeing her," says Reid. So if you're going to be tardy for a legit reason (like your boss has you chained to your desk), call! She's a lot less likely to bitch if you give her a heads-up.

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