When you dream about a happily-ever-after, sitting in a lawyer's
office and dividing your assets isn't usually part of the dream.
Divorce isn't 100 percent preventable, but there are steps you can
take to avoid the nightmare scenario. And if you are already
divorced, don't be discouraged -- just apply what you've learned in
your next relationship.
To increase your chances of retaining an everlasting marriage, follow
these guidelines.
1. Get married after about two years of courtship
Researchers say that if a couple's courtship is average in length --
around two years, four months -- there is less chance of divorce.
Couples who rush to the altar, as well as couples who drag their feet
to the altar, have an increased risk for divorce. "The couples who
are slowest to marry tend to be the quickest to split," according to
Ted Huston, Ph.D.
2. Rethink living together
Living together before marriage is more popular than ever and it
stands to reason that you might want to take someone for a "test
drive" around your living space before you commit to marriage.
However, research doesn't support this. Couples who live together
before marriage have a higher risk of divorce.
3. Wait until you are a little older to marry
Statistics show that if you marry after age 25, your marriage will
have a much better chance.
4. Talk about the big issues before you get married
How many kids do you both want? How will you handle your finances?
It's important to clarify these questions before the honeymoon.
Premarital education or counseling can help with this. Studies show
that those who go through this process have higher levels of marital
satisfaction and more commitment to their spouses.
5. You can argue, just don't let it turn into World War III
Arguing is a natural part of a relationship and in and of itself does
not predict divorce. However, the way you argue does. Researchers
Gottman and Levenson say they can predict divorce by watching how
negative a couple gets with each other, as well as how many
constructive, positive interactions they have during an argument.
Things to avoid when arguing: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and
stonewalling. Learn to tone down heated arguments with humor and a
few kind words.
6. Do stuff together
Yes, you both need to have your own individual interests. However, if
you take this too far you may start to lead separate lives and grow
apart, like if he spends every Saturday golfing and she spends every
Saturday swimming. Learn to reconnect by taking part in a hobby or
activity that you both enjoy. Also important: Take time for intimacy
even when it seems like you don't have a minute to spare. Forms of
intimacy like massage and cuddling are wonderful ways to bring you
closer together.
7. Share the chores
If one person does the majority of the housework while the other
slacks off, that's a recipe for divorce.
8. Be as polite to each other as you are to strangers
Sometimes we treat the people we love most with the least amount of
respect without even realizing it. Ask yourself, "Do I treat friends,
acquaintances, coworkers, and even strangers nicer than I do my
significant other?"
Take time to give each other compliments and remember to say
"please" and "thank you" rather than barking orders or nagging.
9. Have issues? Get help!
Is one of you suffering from depression? Does one of you have
substance abuse issues? Has one of you cheated? If you don't address
these types of issues individually as well as a couple, you
dramatically increase your divorce risk. Take steps to decrease your
divorce risk now by addressing these issues through counseling and
other means!
10. Marry someone who wants to be married
It seems obvious, but it's really not, since so many people ignore
it. If you have to beg, cajole, manipulate, and hurl ultimatums at
someone before they will agree to marry you, common sense says they
probably don't want to be married. If you think something is going to
change when you get that ring on their finger, you're wrong. Don't
set yourself up for failure. Find somebody who wants the same things
you want!
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